I cannot even think straight

I have lost my beauty at the age of nineteen. It vanished with me sense of balance. I tried to ransom it when I reached twenty but somehow I failed. In return, I substituted what was lost in me by forced maturation and inclusion of intellectual matters. But still, it was not enough to make me feel alright.

What was lost in me was taken by so called extreme condition that I have encountered.

I knew it from the start, but I didn't mind.
What was it that dominated in me?

They call it BITTERNESS.